A New Chapter

It's been 2 years almost to the day since I have written in this blog. Irresponsible? Maybe. But, Irresponsible to whom? Heck, even this post is one that is not likely to be read other than by me. While sending it out into the blogosphere may not create mass interest, it has a certain amount of catharsis for me. Let me explain.

When I look over the past 2 years of my life since I last posted on this blog, I am amazed to see what a different life I now lead. My story has changed in 3 major ways over the past year.

Weight-loss

On May 22^nd, 2009 I reluctantly embarked on a journey. At my all-time highest weight of 294 lbs, my wife encouraged me to sign up for Weight Watchers online with her. Basically, we would track our food online without the time commitment of the typical meetings for which WW is known. I didn’t have hope that it would work. However, I knew that I had to try, if not for myself, for my wife. And so, with a few clicks of the mouse, the journey began. Since then, I have lost over 100 lbs. However, most of the change has been internal. You see, I had been living someone else's story.

With several obese family members including 4 uncles over 300 lbs two of whom are over 400, I was certain that my ‘genetic code’ destined me for obesity. I had been overweight my entire life. Maybe I was cursed. Maybe I was just born this way. Regardless, I believed that I was going to be obese forever. Those are the cards I had been dealt; that was the story being told in my life; at least, that is what I believed.

I believed so deeply that I was destined to be overweight that I would make choices that would lead me down this path. For example, I would not exercise because I believed that I was too fat to get out there and try it. I would eat more than I should because I believed that being large meant I needed massive amounts of food to survive. In reality, I was living out a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ that led to me being almost 300 lbs. Now I know that I don’t have to live that way. I can live a different story; my own story. I now make choices lead me down a healthy path toward a safe, comfortable weight.

Parents

I love my parents very much and I consider us to be very close. Both of my parents are the types of people who would do anything for me and my sister Angie. They have moved us across states, have dropped everything to be at our events, even paid for us to get through college debt free. They are amazingly giving people. However, they don't give to themselves.

My mom struggles with an anxiety disorder called hoarding. As a result, my parents live in a home that is filled with acquired items and generally unkempt. Let me leave it at that. For years, I was living that story with them. My story was so intertwined with their story that I felt responsible for their home. I felt as if I needed to be the savior to come in and save the day. This 'savior mentality' actually left me feeling powerless. No matter what I would do, no matter how many conversations I had, the situation was not changing. What I realized was that I was trying to live THEIR story, not MY story. Since then, my sister and I have shared how the hoarding has and continues to effect our lives and our desires to change. We have made commitments to help them out of the situations, should they avail themselves of the help available to them (such as counseling). To date, they have not chosen to do that. But, I feel free to live out my story and watch their story unfold. I pray that their story is one of redemption, but I will love them even if their story is tragic.

Career

I have been privileged to be youth pastor at Calvary Church for the past 3+ years. I have seen God do amazing things in the lives of teens. I am so thankful that I can be a part of the story God is telling in the lives of these teens. However, over the past year, God has been telling a different story in my life.

About a year and a half ago, God placed in my Spirit a feeling of transition. I felt as if I was being transitioned out of youth ministry and into something else. However, I was in this odd predicament where I did not sense God wanted me to do anything about it just yet. "Why are you telling me this now, then, God?" I still don't have a great answer to that question.

Then, a year ago, I finished my M.Div. (a ridiculously long degree for pastors) and two very strange opportunities presented themselves. I was privileged to teach "Introduction to Philosophy" at a community college as well as teach "Old Testament Theology" at a local community college. The significance of this requires me to back up in my story.

FLASHBACK

In 2001, I was convinced that I would be come a Philosophy or Theology professor. Upon graduating from college, I actually got accepted to the M.A. in Philosophy at Talbot School of Theology learning from the great J.P. Moreland, a Christian Philosopher for whom I have high regard. However, at that point in my story I was in a fork in the road. Do I go down the road that would lead me to be a professor? OR, do I chase a girl down in Houston so I can be the married man? My beautiful wife Laura demonstrates that I made the right choice. However, it has always been lingering in the back of my head, "should I pursue my PhD and become a professor?"

Back to Present Day, or at least a year ago...

I have these two teaching opportunities that I am able to try out while working as youth pastor. I think, "God, are you trying to lead me this direction?" Around October/November of that year, I realized without a doubt that teaching at a college level would not be my calling. I enjoyed it, but it would be nothing more than a hobby.

Early one morning I was driving a friend to the train. He began to share, almost randomly, how his marriage was struggling and asked me to pray for him. Arriving at the station a few minutes early, we spent some time praying together. I felt very close to him and privileged that he would share his story with me. That evening I was sitting in the home of a young lady from my youth group. Earlier that year she was diagnosed with cancer and this was the night before the surgery that would finally end her battle with cancer. As I sat with her family, we talked about the story God had been telling in them. We talked about His presence with them and how they had grown as a family and as individuals through this process. It was beautiful. I was so honored that they would ask me to be with them at this point in their story.

That night I was talking to my wife. I relayed to her the days events. Knowing my struggle with whether or not I should be a pastor or a professor, she said, very wisely, to me "You know, college professors don't get opportunities like you had today". She was right. I knew that, while I love Philosophy and Theology, what really drives me is getting to be part of someone's story and to minister to them in their story. While I have the highest respect for professors, I knew that this was not to be my calling.

It was on that night that I realized that I would commit to being a pastor. A few months later, in January, God laid on my heart that my next transition would be to a lead/senior pastor position. A few months after that God directed me to throw my hat in the ring for the senior pastor position at the wonderful church in which I currently serve. And so, I have done that and we wait to see what God does with it. I have no expectation that God must make it a "yes". That part of the story has not yet been told. What I do know is that, in order to be faithful to God's leadership in my life, I need to put myself out there for this position, even if the answer is "no".

This coming year holds a lot of transition for me. I will likely know the church's decision by the end of the year. That decision will determine how my wife, who is applying for internships all across the country (including here in Chicago), will rank her internship sites. How she ranks will determine where she and/or we live the following August (a year from now). Regardless of what happens, a new chapter will turn in the story being told in my life.

The Catharsis?

Putting this stuff out there - even if no one reads it is cathartic for me. In my weight-loss, in my relationship with my parents, and, if I had time, in my job, I have tried to live other people's story. Putting this into words and shooting it out into the great unknown is about acknowledging, even if to myself, that I have a story that God is telling in my life. It is saying, "I am living a story". I am still yet unclear about the details, but I am eager to live it out.

Donald Miller has continually been an encouragement to me over the past year. I have read his blogs and books and have seen God speak to me through him. Donald has an upcoming seminar called "Living a Better Story" (www.donaldmilleris.com/conference). I believe this conference could help me bring clarity and confidence in the story being told in my life. I also believe, that as I look at becoming a lead pastor, it will help me communicate how God's people can live out God's story in their own lives.

You can here more directly from Donald Miller by watching this video:

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.